Showing posts with label tears. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tears. Show all posts

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Then news arrived



its sheer implausibility chased me across the forest like some hateful spirit. without a sense of 'where to' till my legs gave way. wilderness beyond which nothing. anesthetized by the countless spears of the tiny grass soldiers under my person, i fell. quiet. i prayed desperately for loss of sensation. i am made to subside. Nothing to do, then, but. bide. my. time. closed eyelids did nothing to help. dragging me--by the hair-- back to that nauseating

the chaos within.

i see the big silver sun, is n't. like drops. collected in leaves, like orbs of wet dew, merely warmed by the sun; and not sun herself. she is a million glimmering mirrors instead. web of leaflets overhead. grateful. deeper into the grass, begging for numbness. an insignificant lapse of time. my skull was tightening. the insides of my face an oven. blink

The image persists long after. The sun was a million glimmering mirrors instead. Komorebi, the  hardly-accurately-translatable Japanese phrase comes to mind even as the very glimmering orbs of dew swell then well in my eyes. When I let my eyelids fall some break ranks and charge toward the countless spears of the tiny grass soldiers under my person. Pain that tastes like salt is the worst one of them all.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Summer Love

It had been a while since I'd gone to that part of town...
...since I'd seen the building where he and I spent that one summer together.



Somehow, it didn't feel the same. Nothing was magical about it anymore.

Walking down that road, I found it hard to believe that there was a time when I'd put everything on hold and dash halfway across town...
to this building...
to walk through that painted wooden door...
to see him...

He felt so cold against my body that would be sweaty from all the running, warm under all that make up and all those layers of black clothes.

We hardly ever talked.
I loved it.
What would I say to him anyway? Discuss school?
I only remember this...
Our lips.... the cold spreading through my body... and then goosebumps.
It became routine. Like a drill, almost.
I loved it.
I had had my first orgasm.
I kept going back there, everyday.

He still lives here, I've heard. I'm sure he's found so many giddy girls since me.
I will just be that delirious 17 year old to him who was obsessed with him once.
Life goes on, no?
But it was not his fault anyway... None of it was. Looking back, I can only sigh.


At 17, I was sure I had found love and even more sure that he and I would last forever and for always (like in that Shania Twain song.)

Then one morning, I wasn't able to slip into my jeans quite as easily as I usually would.


The bump started showing.
My belly was getting bigger.
It didn't matter how much I cut back on Nutella.
I needed maternity pants. Soon.

I think she read the guilt in my eyes (or she figured there was something the size of a giant panda under my shirt) but at any rate, my mother was the first to talk to me about it.
I burst out. I confessed to her. My mum. I told her what I'd been doing all summer long.
She was calmer than I thought she would be when it all came out into the open.
She held my hand and walked me through the biggest screw up of my life...


My beer belly.

Courtesy: Beer @ Pecos.
Rs. 275 per pitcher.
Buy one, get one. FREE.

* * *

Now of course, I'm a lot wiser... older.
"That building" is just another building to me.
I'm blissfully married to Whiskey.
We've had a couple of babies ever since- Judgement Impaired and Puffy McCheeks.
They are my world.
We have a third one on the way... We want to name him Ugly Zit Jr.
Life is good.

* * *

Disclaimer:
All characters appearing in this work are fictitious.
Any resemblance to any biological process, natural or in-vitro is purely coincidental.


Wednesday, September 3, 2008

au revoir...


It hasn't rained this heavily in a long time.
My phone is switched off. Battery low.
I'm just lying here, numb.
Mom has asked me that question thrice over.
I haven't said anything.
I'm listening to "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls.
And tonight i just cannot hold off these tears.

The same movie is playing in my head, yet again....
first time I saw you... your "spider legs" handwriting... how I couldn't stop gushing about you to my sister... the first time I called you up... that white shirt of yours... how I used to draw your zoology diagrams... our first kiss... college fest... a thousand other college fests... elephant jokes... the fourth floor... "the blue bullshit"... pulse 2006... chemistry department disaster... the things you told me after graduation day... corner house ice creams... 11th of may last year... your favourite snooker shot... B11... that highway accident.. the first time I cried for you.. all the times you made me laugh.. that poem you wrote for me...

I remember everything...

A year and a half ago, life "couldn't have been better".
but, I didn't know that you were gonna take my life and wreck it-
and wreck it so bad that I'd never be able put it back together again.
You broke my heart and now I'm dying.
Thanks for making me one pathetic, weeping mess.
It's painful you know, to put on a stupid fucking happy face and walk around, when all you want to do is sit down & cry. Hoping someone would understand.
Hoping someone would go "its ok..."
I cannot tell you what I'm going through. I cannot tell anyone.
"I promise. We'll be friends... Forever."
Fuck. My. Life.

As of now, I have no clue where my life is going. I'm in the worst of situations. I'm helpless.
I don't know what will happen over the next five years.
Hopefully someone will put a band aid over my broken heart.
Hopefully you will.

You know, I just wish that I could wake up and realise this is all just a bad dream.
I hate what you've done to me.
I hate the fact that I let you do what you've done to me.
I hate the fact that deep down, I still hope you will change & come running right back to me.

And now, you're leaving huh...?
Congratulations.
I cannot tell you how sad i am.
Because, I'm not.
Have fun.

As for these tears, they are gonna keep coming...

...for a lifetime, at the least.