confessions of a really stupid girl.

So I typed it out "I just wanted to say that I have an itsy-bitsy crush on you..." deleted it all... typed out a whole big funny explanation... saved it in drafts... "naah"... deleted it all again and wrote it out in as few words i could.
Jesus Christ! I couldn't be doing this! was I doing this?! I mean should I? shouldn't I? damn.. but he's a pal... he'd understand.. I'm sure he had been there, done that too... and besides i wasn't saying "i wanna grow old with you" or something. Imagine me saying that to any guy at this point in life-
no really, I'm not a retard.
Yeah so, telling a guy that you got the hots for him is no big deal right?
Wrong.
'cause he was already seeing this chick.
horribly, this occurred to me after i sent the message.
"what was i thinking? OK that was stupid! totally dumb. evil. and definitely not required!"
I only prayed to god that he'd laugh it off. and I'd be more than glad to do precisely that.

But the reply that came, almost killed me. He said his friends had his phone, and now they were all rolling on the floor laughing.
First thought: oh fuck. get a plastic surgery. leave town. assume another identity and always remain, mysteriously, tragically silent about my past.
Second thought: well, at least they were laughing.

Awkward moment; definitely awkward. how could I possibly get out of this alive & not embarrassed? I just acted like it was no big deal. He was sweet enough to understand. So a few messages later, I cleverly steered the conversation to another, and hopefully a more interesting topic.
whew!

Eversince, I've been feeling horrible. Well, not because of what happened but more because of whats happening as a result. Get it? Or should I say more because of whats not happening as a result?
I mean he hasn't messaged me after that! x(
Maybe it is that. Or maybe I'm just
over reacting...
So I'm here... at the confession box - blogger.com. Hopefully after this is out on the world wide web, I'll feel better.
Well, in my defence (if that is needed) for me, it still is no big deal. Anyone would guess that I've said wayyyyy crazier things to a guy. What I told him was very by the way... very sweet.. even an almost instinctive thing to do. Aneesha didn't agree. She kept giving me looks.
I had no answer.
I was just sitting there... guilty... but still giggling my head off... lost in thoughts...
I hope that the cute equation I share with him doesnt change. Ouch, that would hurt.
I hope I find a nice guy to go on a few dates with soon (only so that all this gets erased off his mind)!
Hmmmm...

My work here is done. :P
And I'm pretty sure that the moment he reads this, he'll shake his head at me being such a kid and message me:
"my god! thinking so much about it uh? chill re!"

random thoughts... no, really.

i wish i was two inches taller.
i wish i had wings.
i wish i was really good at studies.
-big deal if i hang out with 7 boys all the time!!
still, i wish i was a boy. *sighs*
i wish i could find that purple nail polish again!
i wish my HOD gets thrown into jail. i cant stand the sight of that twisted, evil bastard.
i wish i could speak French... :)
i wish there was no such thing as "attendance" :(
i wish i had more money.
i wish i had even more money!

au revoir...

It hasn't rained this heavily in a long time.
My phone is switched off. Battery low.
I'm just lying here, numb.
Mom has asked me that question thrice over.
I haven't said anything.
I'm listening to "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls.
And tonight i just cannot hold off these tears.

The same movie is playing in my head, yet again....
first time I saw you... your "spider legs" handwriting... how I couldn't stop gushing about you to my sister... the first time I called you up... that white shirt of yours... how I used to draw your zoology diagrams... our first kiss... college fest... a thousand other college fests... elephant jokes... the fourth floor... "the blue bullshit"... pulse 2006... chemistry department disaster... the things you told me after graduation day... corner house ice creams... 11th of may last year... your favourite snooker shot... B11... that highway accident.. the first time I cried for you.. all the times you made me laugh.. that poem you wrote for me...

I remember everything...

A year and a half ago, life "couldn't have been better".
but, I didn't know that you were gonna take my life and wreck it-
and wreck it so bad that I'd never be able put it back together again.
You broke my heart and now I'm dying.
Thanks for making me one pathetic, weeping mess.
It's painful you know, to put on a stupid fucking happy face and walk around, when all you want to do is sit down & cry. Hoping someone would understand.
Hoping someone would go "its ok..."
I cannot tell you what I'm going through. I cannot tell anyone.
"I promise. We'll be friends... Forever."
Fuck. My. Life.

As of now, I have no clue where my life is going. I'm in the worst of situations. I'm helpless.
I don't know what will happen over the next five years.
Hopefully someone will put a band aid over my broken heart.
Hopefully you will.

You know, I just wish that I could wake up and realise this is all just a bad dream.
I hate what you've done to me.
I hate the fact that I let you do what you've done to me.
I hate the fact that deep down, I still hope you will change & come running right back to me.

And now, you're leaving huh...?
Congratulations.
I cannot tell you how sad i am.
Because, I'm not.
Have fun.

As for these tears, they are gonna keep coming...

...for a lifetime, at the least.